I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
