remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
