I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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