does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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