does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
