just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
