My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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