The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
