Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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