hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
