Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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