Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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