I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
