just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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