Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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