Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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