I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
