he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
