Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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