the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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