I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
