yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
