Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
