Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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