her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
