Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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