The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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