toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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