can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Send help, water and tortillas.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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