I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
