just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she peed on how many people?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
