and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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