we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
