She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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