We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
