The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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