Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
