had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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