***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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