I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
