You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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