I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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