She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
