The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
