the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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