pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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