evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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