Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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