I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
