I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
