I just threw up on my dentist
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
