I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The air was thick with penises
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
