Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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