it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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