The maid of honor just puked.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
